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Showing posts from 2014

My Big Fat Blended Family

I don't write about this much, because it isn't the topic that my blog is focused on, but I am a stepmom. Before my daughter graced my world with her presence, I was (and still am), a stepmother to two beautiful girls. They are 12 and 10 years old. Their presence in my life has always been a blessing. Don't get me wrong though. It can be and has been very hard at times. In the beginning it was hard because I didn't know what my role in their lives should be. Should I be hands on and be "like a mom" to them when they were at my home? Or should I back off and be the "fun aunt" type of stepmom? I met them when they were 4 and 2 years old, and at that age they couldn't exactly tell me what they wanted or needed my role to be for them. So I did the best I could, and made plenty of mistakes along the way. I'm lucky enough in that they seem to still love me despite me not being perfect and not always knowing how to handle being a stepmom. Just lik…

Motherhood 3 Months In...

It's been 12 weeks since I gave birth to our baby, Scarlett Noel. These past few months have been the best of my life. I'm still so in awe of our little girl and I feel like my heart will burst any day now with all the love I feel for her. She is, without a doubt, the love of my life. Well, the second love of my life. My husband is the first. It's been so wonderful to have a child with the man I love. It's more than I could've ever imagined it would be. Motherhood is more than I ever imagined it would be. 

Being a mother to a daughter is the greatest gift. I love looking at her and imagining how our relationship will be as she grows older. I imagine us shopping together, having mommy and daughter days, cheering for her on the sidelines at whatever sport she decides she wants to play. I can't wait! But at the same time, I want my baby to stay a baby. I love picking her up after she's slept and how she nestles her face in the crook of my neck. I love how happ…

Scarlett Noel

It's been one week and two days since I gave birth to our sweet, sweet Scarlett Noel. She is the biggest blessing we could've ever dreamed of. She is so beautiful, and sweet, and soft, and happy. She is a gift from God. The best baby in the entire world. I can't imagine life without her. I stay up at night, when it's just me and her, and stare at her and just wonder at how much I love her. How terrified I am of her. Terrified of anything happening to her. Terrified that I will let her down somehow. She is the most innocent little being in the world and she scares me to death. And she makes me so happy. And so proud. She is our little miracle. Welcome to this beautiful world, my beautiful girl. 
Tuesday morning at 1:30am, while feeding Scarlett, I thought back to the previous week and my labor and delivery of Scarlett. How when I woke up that Monday morning and got ready for my prenatal appointment I had no idea that I wouldn't be returning home that day. The night b…

It's Almost Time

Today is Tuesday September 9. My due date is Saturday September 20. To say I'm starting to get nervous and anxious would be an understatement. I'm so nervous about it all. I'm anxious about it all. Nervous and anxious about the labor part. Most of you will remember that I'm choosing to go the natural route and to give birth without any medical interventions. Some days I'm so nervous that maybe I'm making the wrong decision. Why not just get the drugs? Then other days, when I am thinking more clearly I remember why I am choosing a natural birth and I calm down. I know that I can do this. I'm also nervous about the baby. I'm nervous that the baby won't come out alive. I'm nervous that I won't hear the baby cry. I'm nervous that something will be wrong and they'll whisk the baby away from me without me getting to hold him/her. I want that skin to skin contact right away. That's one of the most important things to me. To have that im…

Are. You. Crazy?

Are you crazy? That's the typical response/look I get from people when I mention that my plan is to have a natural labor and delivery. No epidural for me! Most people (women, really) are pretty quick to judge, especially those women who have been through child birth before. They think I'm naive and crazy (and maybe I am) because I have no idea what I'm in for. And really, I don't. I've never experienced child birth before, so no, I don't really know the kind of pain one experiences. I don't really know what it feels like to have your body stretch in ways that it's never stretched before. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I don't know if I'll last 12 hours or 12 minutes. I don't know anything. But what I do know is this. That this is MY pregnancy. This is MY labor. This is ME giving birth to our child. No one else is doing this except for me. Sure, my husband will be going through this with me. But he won't be the one doing…

Boy or Girl?

When you are pregnant you get asked these two questions the most: When are you due? And: Do you know what you are having? The first question is easy. I am due on September 20. The second question is trickier. When I tell people that we are not finding out the gender they say the following:
1.     Oh, how wonderful! We did that too! It’s such a great surprise and no one really does that anymore these days. Guess we are old fashioned! 2.     Oh, I could not do that! I am a planner and I would have to get the nursery ready. HOW are you not finding out?? 3.     What do you want? A boy or a girl?
The second statement can be a little annoying (sorry to all my friends who have said this to me)! It is annoying because I am a planner! I like to know things in advance and cannot stand not knowing what is next. Just ask my husband. And also, I am getting my nursery ready. It will be gray and white. Simple and classic. And once the baby is born we will accent the room with blue or pink. See! We will …

This Is Real

I am officially in my 6th month of pregnancy. I really cannot believe it. My best friend, who is a Labor and Delivery nurse in Houston, just wished me a Happy "Viability Day" this past Saturday when I made 24 weeks. Which means I have reached the stage in my pregnancy where if anything were to happen and I were to have the baby early (God forbid) that the doctors and nurses would resuscitate. There is a level of comfort to that. Not that I would ever, in a million years, want the baby to come anywhere near this early. Goodness no. But if it did, there is a chance the baby would survive. I know I shouldn't even be thinking of something like this happening, but it is in my nature. It drives my husband nuts. I am constantly thinking of the worst case scenario, as if thinking of it protects me from it. I honestly think it is a protective measure, and not something I can really help. I do it in every aspect of my life. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. However, despit…

More Than Halfway There

Holy cow! I simply cannot believe that it has been since March that I last wrote in here! The last time I wrote I was 13 weeks along in my pregnancy and FREAKING OUT because I was having trouble finding the baby's heartbeat on my new Fetal Doppler, and I believe I had decided to give up the Doppler for Lent. Boy, was that a HARD thing to do. And, I didn't exactly give it up 100%. I tried it here and there, but not EVERY day. Finding the heartbeat was a hit or miss kind of thing. Sometimes I would find it, and sometimes I would not. The days of not finding it were pure torture. I am glad that I am pretty much past that phase and have been able to relax some. Reason being, is because somewhere around Week 16, I started being able to find the heartbeat almost every single time I tried the Doppler. I cannot begin to describe the sense of relief I felt every time I heard that sound. I was still a pretty nervous nelly and I would get the worst anxiety when I couldn't find that s…

Where We Left Off...

The last time I wrote to you all I shared my concern with how my blog was developing, and how someone struggling with fertility might take it. I received several responses about how I should continue the blog, and I really do want to! I love being able to come here and put my feelings on "paper" and just talk about what I am going through. I am not a terribly private person. I like to share things with people and feel like I am an open book. If you want to know something, just ask! So with that said, I *did* change the summary section of my blog. It is the first thing you see when you visit this page and it is there that I explain what this blog started out as, and what it has morphed into. I hope that is something that readers will welcome and I am so excited to continue to share this journey with you!

The last time I discussed my pregnancy I shared with you how bad my nerves were and how I was so scared that something would go wrong with this pregnancy. I believe I was som…

This Feels Kind of Weird

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry that it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. I've been having an internal struggle concerning my blog and after having a few people ask me why I haven't written recently, I decided to share that struggle with you all.

First off, the title of my blog is Childless Not Hopeless. When you do a Google search with the words "childless and hopeless" my blog is the first link that pops up. That's pretty huge for me, considering that I started writing this blog as an outlet for myself. To date, my blog has almost 20,000 page views. Some from people I know, and some who I've never met. That's a lot of pressure. I feel kind of weird posting about my happiness with my pregnancy when a random soul who is infertile and in pain may come across my blog hoping and praying that they'll find someone who is just like them... And then they read my most recent posts which are all about me being pregnant. I don't want to upset…

My Nerves

Some of y'all might think I'm crazy for this, but I'm really mad/concerned that I'm not having any real pregnancy symptoms with this pregnancy. Like, none. My boobs aren't really sore anymore and if it wasn't for being tired, I would feel no differently than I did on a normal, not-pregnant day. And I don't even know if I can attribute my tiredness fully to my pregnancy. I'm not drinking my AdvoCare Spark twice/three times a day anymore and THAT could be why I'm tired. Some people need coffee, I need Spark... Almost everyone who I tell this to says: "you're one of the lucky ones". Or "your body is adapting well to the changes"... And while that's all nice, I WANT to feel pregnant. It would make me feel more SAFE if I felt more pregnant. And if I knew 100% that everything was okay and perfect then maybe, MAYBE, I would be thankful for the minimal pregnancy symptoms. But I don't know that. Sure, I had a beautiful ultraso…

Dirty 30

Hey everyone! It's been a month since I've written you and so much has happened! The last time I wrote to you all I discussed the new year and how much HOPE that I had that 2014 be our year for fertility. I had no idea how wrong that blog post would soon become. But before I discuss that, let's discuss another major life change. A little over a week ago, I turned 30! Remember how I had once written that I wanted this big huge extravagant party for my 30th? Well... Things didn't quite happen that way. Turned out I had to catch a flight to Arkansas the day after my 30th birthday and a late night out just didn't seem appealing anymore. Especially since I had just taken a pregnancy test twelve days prior to my birthday and it was a BFP. For those of you not familiar with that fertility term, BFP stands for Big Fat Positive...

Y'all like how I casually threw that in there?? Haha! Yes - you all read correctly. I AM PREGNANT! Turns out 2014 will not be the year of fert…

New Year, New Possibilities

2014 is here! There's something to be said about a new year. Something about starting fresh. Whether it be letting go of old habits, or making a declaration to begin new ones - a new year is so exciting and filled with so much HOPE for what's to come.

There isn't much for me to update y'all with fertility-wise. My husband had an appointment scheduled for this Wednesday coming up. But we decided to push the appointment back one week. And that's because... I have a new job!!!! Talk about a fresh start! And I didn't want to start off my first week with leaving early on what would only be my 3rd day of work. So with that being said, I'm going to talk about this new opportunity, even though it isn't fertility focused.

To say I am excited would be an understatement. I was previously working for a large corporation. A Fortune 50 Company. I was very happy there. I loved the people I worked with. I made a good salary, had great benefits, 401k, stock options, you…